


ching chong i think i broke my ding dong

by orphan_account



Category: One Direction (Band)
Genre: Crack Fic, End game Larry, M/M, Other, THE NARRY STORM, and he just wants to be a caterpillar emoji, harry is a freight train, harry qualifies for medicare and gets a life alert system, louis thinks he's asian, nick jonas has cancer
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2014-09-13
Updated: 2014-09-13
Packaged: 2018-02-17 05:00:54
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,397
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/2297462
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>it's late march, the snow only just beginning to melt from the trees, littering the ground with shimmering puddles melted from the warming sun. it's late march, and louis feels asian. </p><p>"i'm turning japanese, i think i'm turning japanese i really think so," he hums to himself, briefcase sliding against his leg. he feels content. and asian.</p>
            </blockquote>





	ching chong i think i broke my ding dong

**Author's Note:**

> this is a crack fic and also the worst thing ive ever written im so fucking sorry ok {cue suite life theme song}

it's late march, the snow only just beginning to melt from the trees, littering the ground with shimmering puddles melted from the warming sun. it's late march, and louis feels asian. 

"i'm turning japanese, i think i'm turning japanese i really think so," he hums to himself, briefcase sliding against his leg. he feels content. and asian. 

see, lately all louis can think about is wonton soup. he and his boyfriend harry the freight train have it almost every night, but it never settles his craving. 

("harry, what do you want for dinner?" 

"choo choo"

"yeah , wonton soup sounds good to me, too." 

"louis i thought you were chooish. i mean jewish. whatever)

so he likes wonton soup, and he likes harry, and he like eating wonton soup inside harry. he likes hearing him whistle while the soup burns his throat, like his comfy cushioned seats and the filthy murmur of 'choo choo' in his ear. 

he can't explain it, harry can't explain it (his vocabulary doesn't expand very far)  
if niall tried to explain it he'd go into analeptic shock, louis won't let zayn explain it, and liam. liam can hardly spell the word explain, louis would rather leave it at that. 

it all started when he and harry were taking a leisurely stroll in the park one early february morning. louis regrets that walk, in the way he regrets that one time he said he likes girls who eat pears and then one day woke up with a literal pear hanging behind his thick monster horse cock. he regrets it in the way he like. regrets taking tomlinson as his last name. 

{three weeks earlier} 

calvin hoot's grub 'n go food stand is officially open for business. the food stand is greasy, shady, and deliciously suspicious. louis, on more than one occasion, has not failed to notice the awful taste of dog in his sandwich/pizza/fish stick/whatever the fuck calvin felt like grilling on his friend luke the smoking hot masterchef brand habachi. 

it all started when column hoof served. louis. wonton. soup. 

***

"mmm baby baby lalalallalaala," niall sings creepily. 

***

{back to present}

"like, i just really want equality for the train community. freights, coal, trans(portation)," harry huffs, flashing his headlights and honking his kickass horn that louis has recently replaced with a recording of jackie chan in the iconic karate kid. 

louis ignores him, sipping at his soup. he's heard this one-sided discussion far too many times, and he's too focused on rosetta stone to pay attention to his dope of a boyfriend. harry tries to poke him, but. harry has no arms. 

"shh, go talk to zayn," louis whispers when 'hang up the sweatshirt, put the sweatshirt on, drop the sweatshirt on the floor' resounds for the thirtieth time. he's having trouble decoding a chinese sentence, and harry is much too large of a distraction, especially making such provocative noises. louis is lucky his horse dick is too big to get hard easily. he will have to shrink it in order to fully complete his transformation. he cannot wait to post his hashtag tbt on instagram, his fans have probably been wondering where he's been after 3000 years. 

louis squints. the sentence transforms into english before his eyes like in the fucking percy jackson movie. 

 

it says: 

LRTSSYIUREDTYOUR HAVDS I N ME in my skin tight jenas be ur teensge LALAALogol -michael clifford

*** 

louis is in trouble. 

niall found out about his undergoing transformation and is now making moves on harry, knowing louis' incapable of fixing the situation while his body bends it like beckham. 

"heh harry do ya want t grab a pint !" 

harry's front end lights up and he squeals. he loves when niall takes him out for fuel, but only the kind that's good for the environment. he's a second away from saying yes when niall offers a following statement. 

"me brother greg is gona be there ! legend he is !" 

louis grins. 

harry says "ok" instead. 

louis is in trouble. insert: THE NARRY STORM. 

***

louis pours gasoline on niall's house. niall dies. niall is not fireproof. 

***

louis does end up asking liam about the wonton soup.

"wahts ah won tawn soop lol" 

***

mmm eyebrows. 

***

"louis, i want to be the caterpillar emoji," harry sighs, pacing on his track. 

"harry. you're a train," louis says, accentuating the statement with a fond roll of his eyes. 

"oh, choo hoo, cry about it," harry snaps. oh no. this is their first official fight.

***  
one day louis gets a text. it says "this is joey. is this scarlette? we hung in 2008." 

louis wishes he had no idea who joey, or scarlette, was. they're names he pushes to the back of his mind, to the days locked in a metaphorical drawer in the very dark and stormy depths of his unwanted memories. they're names from his drag queen days, where his hair had hung low on his face, he went by scarlette, and he vaguely resembled molly ringwald. this is the last thing he needs to deal with while he's fighting with the love of his life, so his only response is boyband lyrics. their heartbreaking conversation continues as follows. 

louis: hey  
louis: Do you remember summer '08? Wanna go back there every night.

joey from 2008: Ueah you got the clap 

louis gasps, and types out:

louis: Just can't lie it was the best time of my life. We were lying on the beach as the sun blew out. I was playing a guitar by the fire too loud. They could never shut us down, Joey. 

louis' palms sweat while he awaits a reply. it feels like its been hours before his phone finally buzzes, a mocking sound. 

joey from 2008: Why are you doing what your doing in life. Sone peomises shoildnt be broke 

a single tear rolls down louis' cheek. he's always been so stubborn, he knows, but those last five words have now convinced him to change his ways. his fingers dial the number slowly, near trembling with nerves. 

his heart beats fast as he raises the phone to his ear and listens to it ring once. twice. they're going to fix things. 

"hello?" comes harry's voice. and in just those two syllables, louis knows things will be okay.

***

insert deep comment from zayn

***

louis' transformation doesn't go through. he doesn't qualify as a true asian, the hospital says. he thinks they're just bias because liam got pissed off and showed them the picture of his mom and dr deakin mc hammer post-hayrolling. he is obviously devastated, but at least now with rosetta stone for only 35 dollars a month with free shipping he can now understand what colon hoop is saying when he visits the grub 'n go food stand. 

however, harry finds out he is qualified for medicare. he choos his way to the hospital and requests first a life alert system. harry likes buttons, but the doctors don't hesitate to mention he wouldn't even be able to press it if he falls and can't get up, so harry requests to be changed into a human. his first choice was a caterpillar, but the nurse claims, as a train, harry was just a large caterpillar already. harry agrees. 

***

harry's transformation goes through. he grows legs and arms, and can still only say choo choo. a haiku. 

***

"louis, did you know nick jonas has cancer?" 

louis doesn't answer. since harry's transformation, all he can do is bring up random facts he reads in the magazines. 

a beat passes. the silence is deafening. a haiku. 

"harry, what's nine plus ten?" 

"...nick jonas has cancer." 

***

nick jonas stands alone on a curb, nervously toying with his nasal canula. the street buzzes within the peak of rush hour. strangers rattle past him on cell phones and bluetooths, cars honk, alarms sound. 

augustus waters appears out of nowhere and will not stop staring at nick. they make awkward eye contact for what seems like hours, nick's heart beating fast. he feels personally victimized, yet interested in what this stranger has to say. 

"why are you staring at me?" he asks so quietly he's afraid augustus won't hear over the deafening noise of the city. 

"because you're beautiful," augustus says, winking. 

augustus also has cancer. augustus dies of a cigarette-induced fire. it is a metaphor. augustus is not fireproof. 

THE END

**Author's Note:**

> this is literally a compilation of me, sofi, dani, and jules' inside jokes with a whole lot of unnecessary text breaks and random bullshit. purely self-indulgent, but i hope you found it funny anyway. twitter: @milfharry


End file.
